I saw my therapist today and we reflected upon my habit of worrying about days past and days coming. I am a worrying person and it sure does steel me of strength.
I worry about what others are thinking of me. I worry if they like me or not. I worry that others might get angry with me. I worry that it is my responsibility to make everyone happy. I feel like everything that goes wrong around me is all my fault.
My mind knows I am not responsible in any way for other peoples happiness, but my body disagrees. I know that what people think of me is not my problem as long as I am myself. If people don't like me then they can stay away from me and I will leave them alone. I know that most of the time it isn't my fault what happens, but still my body takes responsibility for all of it.
Every day I spend so much strength and energy on this that I am constantly tired. My heart is almost always racing and I have a hard time breathing. My mind is racing with thoughts of what I should do or what I should have done next time I meet or see someone. I just can't stop myself from doing so. It might be normal to some point, but not to the extend I do it and I know it.
I am always working on ways to avoid these thoughts and ways of reacting, but it is difficult on my own. After this summer my therapist and I will work on new strategies on managing this.
Then maybe I will be able to stop worrying so much and finally start living life to the fullest.