Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Broken relationship

This is not the typical anti-procrastination entry. This is about me and my relationship to my husband. I need your advice and your encouragement in this. I hope you don't mind.

My relationship with my husband is broken. At least that is what it feels to me.

I have always had a hard time talking about my feelings and talking about our relationship with him. Last night I really did it. I shut off instead of trying to tell him what I feel and why I act the way I do. I know he is hurt and angry, but so am I.

This year I decided to get help for my problems. In January I went to my doctor and she and I decided on a plan of me taking medicine for my pain and me seeing a therapist.

I saw the therapist almost right away and after many sessions the therapist came to the conclusion that she could not help me without my husband there and as she was not a couples therapist she gave me the name on another therapist to help me. I have not been able to see the new therapist due to travel and having a sick child and now also our economy. I have to do this myself now.

The medicine she gave me I have not been able to use since I am still nursing. So I still don't know if that will work or when I will be able to use it.

While in Norway my husband made a list of everything he wants to do every day and I was very excited because it would seriously help me in my day. He did so well for about 3 weeks and then he stopped. He got sick and then he was tired, and then he just didn't feel like doing it because I didn't do the list he made for me.

I do do the list he gave me, just not in his order and on the days he assigned for me to do them. It just doesn't fit with my schedule.

I am sorry if it seems like I am just complaining about my husband now, but there is a point to this that has to do with procrastination.

So in January I stopped procrastinating and went to my doctor and got help. Then I started procrastinating again. I got to stop that.

My plan now is to write him a letter where I again explain what I need and why it is the way it is in my eyes.

I will meet him halfway, by breaking my boundaries, but he need to meet my needs too.

This is where I would like your help. If you would please give me some advice, I really need it.

When it comes to our children: Do I have to ask him to feed them, clean them and take them out once in a while? Or do I have to keep asking him? All I want is for him to see the kid's needs and react upon them.

When it comes to our dog: Can I finally set my foot down and find a new home for her because he is not keeping his promise to walk her every day and instead leaving all the work to me? I feel bad and stressed all the time because I don't have time or energy every day to walk her and then when I ask him to do it, he makes me feel bad because he is so tired. Still he wants to keep the dog for our kids sake, but the dog is not happy with us because she needs lots of exercise and space to roam around which she is not getting with us.

When it comes to me: I would like to have some things private, like this blog, but he keeps looking over my shoulder when he is home to check on what I am writing. It is so personal to me and I just want to keep it for my self. Is that wrong of me?

I have to stop procrastinating on our relationship or I am afraid we won't last to our next anniversary. It is all up to me, but I would love your input and your encouragement.

Thank you so much for listening this far to me. I really appreciate it.


Marie @ Chocolate-Covered Chaos said...

I'm so sorry you're in this difficult season, Marianne. I can't tell you what's right or wrong in your relationship, but I encourage you to pray to the ONE who knows both you and your husband better than anyone. I'll pray for you, too, Marianne. For peace and rest and understanding and forgiveness...
On a lighter note, maybe you could have a date with your hubby. My husband and I need this sometimes to reconnect. Parenthood, although amazing, can be exhausting and can drain the romance and sometimes even the simple happy moments from a relationship. With your daughter being sick, I'm sure exhausted is a gross understatement.
I'll be praying for you both:) Hugs!

Jenni R. said...

Hi Marianne: I don't think I have any answers to your questions, but I will pray for you! God is the one I ask those questions to, and I believe He speaks when we're not listening for what we want or what the world is saying. He is the one who keeps your feet on a firm foundation. I hope you can stand on the promises in His Word. He acts on our faith! Much grace to you in this challenging season!

Marianne said...

Thank you for your encouragement. I deeply appreciate it.

Karen said...

Marianne, I stumbled upon your blog by your link on "new nostalgia". My heart goes out to you and your struggles with your marriage. Trust me...I know exactly how you feel. I've been there. A few things came to mind as I read your post. First, I agree with the Marie and Jenni--trust in God, for He is the only perfect one. Our husbands are flawed-just like us. And sometimes we expect too much from them. Not to let them off the hook, but they (men) just do not see things the same way that we mothers do. The house can be a disaster, and they wouldn't "see" the mess. Our daughter can be whiny, and they wouldn't "see" that she's hungry or needs a nap. So, YES, you may have to keep asking him. The hard part will be to do that with patience and love. As a wife, I recommend two books for you to read. The first is "Power of a Praying Wife" by Stormie Omartian. The second is "For Women Only" by Shaunti Feldhan. I LOVE this second book. And, she wrote one "For Men Only". My husband and I actually read each others books, and wrote little notes in the margins to each other. VERY helpful--it really gives you insight to how men and women think.

I'll be praying for you Marianne! Remember, it ain't over until GOD says it's over.

Aimee said...

Oh my goodness, I wish I had the perfect words to tell you. Marriage is hard sometimes and is always a lot of work. You will definitely be in my prayers.

Amy Bowman said...

I featured this post on "AP Tuesday" it was the MOST clicked on link. I pray you felt lots of support, I've been thinking about you alot this week!

Anonymous said...

I am one of Amy Bowman's readers. I would recommend to you and your husband the book, "Love and Respect" by Emerson Eggerichs. If he's willing to do it with you there is a great study guide you can also buy, but even the book alone is great.

Our Lives said...

Hi Marianne,
I will be praying for you. Like all of the ladies mentioned above, God is truly the only One Who could give you strength and wisdom to solve your (or any) relationship issues. My husband and I have been married for 17 years but we know each other for 21. In all these years, lots of ups and downs. We are fortunate to be able talk with each other when we sensed something is going to the wrong direction. My advice to you is to read some good, helpful, Christ centered books on marriage and make an effort to talk to each other (simple date nights help too) and to remember why you fell in love with each other in the first place. But most of all, pray, and listen with your heart, not just your (or his) feeling. Marriage is a commitment and it is WORK (you are in the midst of the hardest part of the commitment right now). Marianne, I am glad you are going to write to your husband. It is a beautiful start. Don't let the procrastination take over your marriage.
Praying for you,